Today (well, technically yesterday) in the UK, a General Election took place, sending every media outlet into a frenzy over the early exit polls – an embarrassing spectacle to behold. This cringeworthy display is matched only by the mendacious politicians clawing their way to the apex of power, peering down their ever-lengthening noses to patronise the electorate. For the past six weeks, this toxic brew of mainstream media and ladder-climbing politicians has unleashed a torrent of utter nonsense since the election was called. This charade will culminate in one party or another seizing power. Among this sea of deceit, a few honest MPs exist, tragically destined to be sidelined in the corridors of power. These are my candid thoughts.
Election season is a time of grandiose promises, carefully choreographed rallies, and, most delightfully, the unabashed, unashamed art of lying. It’s as if the gods of deception descend upon the earth, bestowing politicians with a supernatural ability to twist, bend, and utterly obliterate the truth in their quest for power. As we dive into this carnival of fabrications, let us revel in the intricate dance of dishonesty that transforms our humble public servants into masters of illusion.
Act one: The pre-campaign warm-up – laying the groundwork of deceit. Before the main show begins, politicians engage in a subtle warm-up. This involves making vague, noncommittal statements that sound profoundly optimistic but are devoid of any substantive content. It’s the prelude to the main act, designed to set the stage for future, more elaborate lies. Picture a candidate declaring, “We will bring jobs back!” without specifying the “how,” “where,” or even the “when.” It’s a beautiful stroke of ambiguity, a Picasso of prevarication.
Act two: The campaign – lies, damn lies, and statistics. As the campaign kicks into high gear, politicians begin to hone their craft, employing a range of deceitful tactics to sway the gullible electorate. Here, we witness the breathtaking array of lies on display:
The gross exaggeration. Nothing spells commitment like promising the moon. Candidates assure us of economic growth rates that would make Silicon Valley blush, NHS healthcare reforms that would put Sweden to shame, and educational advancements that would catapult our children into the stratosphere of genius. These promises are usually supported by cherry-picked statistics and half-baked studies conducted by think tanks with questionable credibility.
The convenient memory lapse. Witness the artful dodging of past controversies and failures. When confronted with inconvenient truths, the politician’s memory becomes a selective filter. “I do not recall” becomes their mantra, a chorus that conveniently wipes the slate clean. How delightful it is to watch them feign ignorance with the innocence of a child caught with a cookie jar.
The personal attack. When all else fails, divert attention from one’s own shortcomings by viciously attacking the opponent. “Did you know my opponent eats kittens for breakfast?” they might as well say. It’s a tactic as old as politics itself – if you can’t shine on your own merits, tarnish your rival’s reputation with baseless allegations and character assassinations.
Act three: Election Day – the climax of deception. Election Day, the climax of this tragicomedy, is where the lies reach their zenith. It’s a day when the veil of deceit is momentarily lifted, only to be replaced with the mask of earnestness as politicians make their final pitch. The desperation in their eyes is almost palpable, as they conjure last-minute fabrications designed to tip the scales in their favour.
The exit poll spin. As exit polls roll in, watch politicians twist these preliminary numbers into narratives that suit their agenda. A slight lead in an insignificant constituency becomes a harbinger of a landslide victory, while trailing figures are dismissed as mere statistical noise. Reality, for this fleeting moment, is a malleable concept.
The sudden empathy. It’s heartwarming to see candidates suddenly overcome with empathy. They hug babies, kiss grandmas, and feign an interest in local issues they’ve previously ignored. It’s a performance worthy of an Oscar, if only the Academy had a category for “Best Impersonation of Genuine Concern.”
The aftermath – truth’s Pyrrhic victory. As the dust settles and the votes are counted, the grand theatre of lies comes to an end. The victorious candidate stands triumphant, basking in the glow of their fabricated promises, while the defeated one slinks away to lick their wounds and prepare for the next season of deception. The electorate, left to grapple with the aftermath, slowly realises that they’ve been played – yet again.
In this grand tradition of political theatre, truth is but a casualty, a hapless victim trampled under the feet of ambition and avarice. But fear not, dear citizen! For as long as there are elections, there will be politicians perfecting the art of lying, and we, the ever-hopeful audience, will continue to buy tickets to this farcical show, naively hoping that this time, just maybe, someone will tell the truth. No such luck.
Wording 